Friday, June 03, 2005

New Bill Hits Senate

by: Barf Jenkins

Congressman Jim McDermott (D-WA), a medical doctor, recently introduced a bill that would ban the killing of cows for the express purpose of drying their meat to make Beef Jerky. The bill, called HR23336, would impose fines on anyone caught wasting the bovine's delicious meat to make jerky that could have otherwise gone to create a magnificent steak.

"Not only is this bill meant to protect consumers from this dangerous snack product," he said, "but sections of the bill also impose stiff fines on anyone caught using a lack of imagination and sending jerky to troops overseas."

Not all soldiers are happy about the bill.

Mustang23, whose website Assumption of Command ( extolls the belief that beef jerky is good and should be shared with all, is appalled at the lack of sensitivity that Congressman McDermott displayed in introducing the bill.

"Beef jerky is good," remarked Mustang23. "I've been eating innocently killed cow meat for years and all it's cost me are a few brain cells. McDermott needs to rethink his position."

Mustang23, who was forced as child to eat extra large Slim Jims before he could Trick or Treat on Halloween, says that the forced feedings had nothing to do with his position on this matter. He credits his parents' repetitive coaching with his tolerance of the chewy caged animal bi-products.

JP, of The National Guard Experience (, is feverishly trying inform the public on the misconception that soldiers are requesting the meat in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"I have letter after letter that soldiers have sent me complaining that their commanders, people like Mustang23, have required them to demand beef jerky even after exhaustingly arguing that they don't like the stuff," said JP. "People are being led to believe that soldiers like the stuff, when in reality soldiers are being withheld special privileges like porta-potties, tobasco sauce for MRE's, and sand spider fishing poles for their time off. It's an outrage!"

Many people have come to JP's rescue. After the unwarranted assault launched against Goofy, several prominent, intellectual, and respectable people in the community have thrown their support JP's way. CJ, from A Soldier's Perspective ( has assisted JP with visual evidence and is a vocal lobbyer in the halls of Congress.

Other groups have lended their voice against beef jerky as well. Books for Soldiers has recently published statistics that prove not one soldier has asked them for beef jerkey. Other soldier support groups have expressed similar findings: iPods For Soldiers, Laptop Computers for Soldiers (new group), and Brand New Ford Mustang GTs for Soldiers have never been asked for beef jerky.


Anonymous MKL said...

Luckily the bill will never see the light of day. Especially when Nancy Pelosi becomes a co-sponsor with an amendment calling for "tofu cakes-not beef jerky"

Saturday, June 04, 2005 5:55:00 AM  
Blogger Andrew said...

It's on now.

Saturday, June 04, 2005 5:57:00 AM  
Blogger The National Guard Experience said...

Uhh, I'm at odds here. I'm a Republican. I guess I can make an exception, but I'll have to think about things over the next week or so. Damn, this is a moral dilemma.

Saturday, June 04, 2005 6:47:00 PM  

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