We're Back

We thought for awhile that our efforts had successfully killed any desire by the American populace to send this hideous snack food to our Troops overseas. One can only conclude that America is indeed invested in failure and looking to find any means necessary to demean and demoralize our troops by sending copious amounts of Beef Jerky to "the box".

Well, we here at Beef Jerky For Dummies can no longer stand by in silence while this degradation of morale justice continues. Save a cow, send Tootsie Rolls!!

Parental Advisory

This just out from the Surgeon General:

Temporary Cease Fire

Mustang 23 has declared a tactical pause in the beef jerky war.

I shall honor his cease fire. However, let it be known that our borders will still be armed with tranquilizer darts and cowbells in preparation for his imminent resumption of hostile actions against innocent bovine. So, until then, Beef Jerky For Dummies will reduce its actions to strictly patrolling the borders of the beef jerky DMZ.

Where Jerky Comes From

People wonder why we're against jerky! Ever thought about where it comes from? We caught a picture of one of Mustang 23's minions preparing yet another care package to send overseas to deployed troops. You decide:

Bad Switch

Even the comics pages have our back:


by John Deering

New Bill Hits Senate

by: Barf Jenkins

Congressman Jim McDermott (D-WA), a medical doctor, recently introduced a bill that would ban the killing of cows for the express purpose of drying their meat to make Beef Jerky. The bill, called HR23336, would impose fines on anyone caught wasting the bovine's delicious meat to make jerky that could have otherwise gone to create a magnificent steak.

"Not only is this bill meant to protect consumers from this dangerous snack product," he said, "but sections of the bill also impose stiff fines on anyone caught using a lack of imagination and sending jerky to troops overseas."

Not all soldiers are happy about the bill.

Mustang23, whose website Assumption of Command (http://assumecommand.blogspot.com/) extolls the belief that beef jerky is good and should be shared with all, is appalled at the lack of sensitivity that Congressman McDermott displayed in introducing the bill.

"Beef jerky is good," remarked Mustang23. "I've been eating innocently killed cow meat for years and all it's cost me are a few brain cells. McDermott needs to rethink his position."

Mustang23, who was forced as child to eat extra large Slim Jims before he could Trick or Treat on Halloween, says that the forced feedings had nothing to do with his position on this matter. He credits his parents' repetitive coaching with his tolerance of the chewy caged animal bi-products.

JP, of The National Guard Experience (http://thenationalguardexperience.blogspot.com), is feverishly trying inform the public on the misconception that soldiers are requesting the meat in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"I have letter after letter that soldiers have sent me complaining that their commanders, people like Mustang23, have required them to demand beef jerky even after exhaustingly arguing that they don't like the stuff," said JP. "People are being led to believe that soldiers like the stuff, when in reality soldiers are being withheld special privileges like porta-potties, tobasco sauce for MRE's, and sand spider fishing poles for their time off. It's an outrage!"

Many people have come to JP's rescue. After the unwarranted assault launched against Goofy, several prominent, intellectual, and respectable people in the community have thrown their support JP's way. CJ, from A Soldier's Perspective (http://www.soldiersperspective.us) has assisted JP with visual evidence and is a vocal lobbyer in the halls of Congress.

Other groups have lended their voice against beef jerky as well. Books for Soldiers has recently published statistics that prove not one soldier has asked them for beef jerkey. Other soldier support groups have expressed similar findings: iPods For Soldiers, Laptop Computers for Soldiers (new group), and Brand New Ford Mustang GTs for Soldiers have never been asked for beef jerky.

Ode To Beef Jerky

very dry, a bit too thick
not enough flavor, makes me sick
freeze dried alpo, it tastes more like
offer me jerky, go take a hike!

made from solid strips of sliced beef
open the bag, the smell of rotting leaf
pluck it out with fingers or fork
say no to dried beef, turkey and pork

the cows have much better things to do
like milk for my cereal and ozone gas too
too much fat and so chewy it does be
don't send me jerky, send a CD!!


And some haiku:

Desiccated meat,

beef jerky, you make me thirst.

Art thou truly beef?
________

Oh cruelty! Sending

dried meat to parched sand dwellers.

Make haste…send iPods!

Thanks Robin